You know the moment.
You’re sitting in an IEP meeting when someone says the words “social skills,” and your stomach drops. Or maybe you’re at a birthday party, and your child is standing at the edge of the room, unable to step in. Or they’re sitting in the car in the driveway, refusing to go inside.
If you’ve lived that, this is for you.
My husband, Dana, and I have sat in several hundred IEP meetings, and social skills came up in many of them. Much of what we learned, we learned the hard way. Here’s what we wish we’d known sooner.
Social Skills Aren't a Checkbox. They're a Foundation
When schools talk about social skills, it can feel like one more line on a document. But these skills, including sharing, listening, cooperating, reading a room, and asking for what you need, help shape whether our children make friends, hold a job someday, and build a life they love.
Researchers at Penn State and Duke followed children who, at age five, were better at sharing, listening, and cooperating. Those children were more likely to attend college and be employed full time by age 25.
That’s worth paying attention to. But here’s what I want you to hear clearly: That’s correlation, not destiny.
If your child isn’t there yet, it doesn’t mean they never will be. Children develop on their own timelines, socially, just like everything else. Late bloomers are real. The goal was never to arrive faster than the child next door. The goal is simply to keep moving forward.
Start With What's Already There
When families come to me feeling overwhelmed, I ask a question that changes the room:
“What positive social skills does your child already show?”
Do they notice when someone is sad and quietly sit beside them? Do they smile, greet people, or ask, “How are you?” Those count.
It’s easy to become so focused on “Will my child ever learn this?” that we forget to notice what they’ve already learned.
Start there.
The Playdate Trap
If you’ve been told to “set up a playdate” to help your child build social skills, you know it can feel like a minefield.
I remember when a beloved teacher suggested that we arrange a playdate for our child. She was kind, caring, and sincerely wanted to help. But I remember thinking, She has no idea what she’s asking.
We were already overwhelmed—running to doctors, managing appointments, and searching for answers. Now we were supposed to add arranging and managing a playdate to our overflowing list.
More importantly, our child didn’t yet have the skills needed for the playdate to be successful.
Here’s what we learned: A child often needs social skills before the playdate, not simply as a result of it. One playdate that ends badly or never leads to another invitation isn’t a plan.
We could value this teacher and appreciate how much she cared while also recognizing that she didn’t have the tools our child needed. That’s when we learned to go higher—kindly and in writing—to the people who could provide the right support
Look Closely at the Goal
One of the most useful things we learned was how to tell a strong social skills goal from an empty one.
Here’s a goal that tells you almost nothing:
“Sarah will demonstrate appropriate social behavior with peers as measured by teacher observation.”
Appropriate to whom? How often? In what setting? Who’s watching, and what are they looking for?
There’s no baseline and no objective way to measure progress. Next year, someone may simply say, “She’s made progress,” and no one in the room will be able to prove or disprove it.
Now consider the same goal written more effectively:
“Given one verbal prompt during unstructured lunch and recess periods, Sarah will initiate a conversation with a peer using a greeting and one topic question in four out of five opportunities across three consecutive weeks, as measured by staff data collection sheets, by June 1.”
The difference is everything.
If a goal can’t be tallied and placed on a graph, it isn’t a measurable goal yet.
A Few Things We'd Tell Our Younger Selves
Don’t wait for the school.
“Let’s collect more data” can quietly turn into next year. You wouldn’t let a child continue falling behind in math while everyone waited, and social skills deserve the same attention. Time doesn’t stand still for your child.
Ask your doctor, and ask locally.
Turn to your pediatrician for testing and answers, not a Facebook group. Ask people in your community to help you find the right specialist. Bring real examples, notes, emails from school, and even a short video, because children are often perfect angels during a 15 minute appointment.
Find the person who can help.
Not every family can drive an hour or more several days a week, and we understand that. But if the right specialist is farther away, consider making the trip at least once to get your child in front of someone who has experience with challenges like your child’s. That first visit may provide answers, recommendations, or a plan that can be carried out closer to home.
When one of our children tested well below grade level in reading in 10th grade, the right help was up to three hours round trip from our home. I made that drive four days a week. We started in September, and by January, our child was reading at grade level.
We don’t share this story to suggest that every family must do the same. We share it to encourage you to get your child in front of someone who may recognize what others have missed and can help you determine what to do next.
If Your Child Has No Friends Right Now
Please hear this: Being alone doesn’t always mean being lonely.
Start with one. One friend can matter more than a crowd.
If your child wants a friend but doesn’t have one, think about how you can bring just one person into their circle, and involve the school in helping make that connection.
Look for clubs or activities built around something your child loves. That’s often where meaningful connections begin, because children have an opportunity to find their people.
Begin From a Place of Strength
Social skills can be taught gently, patiently, and on your child’s timeline.
Notice what your child already does well. Ask for goals that can be measured. Don’t wait when your instincts tell you something needs to change. Keep a record of what you requested and what the school agreed to, so you have a clear paper trail.
You’re an important part of your child’s team. If something doesn’t look right, ask questions. Speaking up early may prevent a much larger problem later.
Progress may be slow, but every step forward matters.
There is help. There is support. And there is hope.
For more practical information, advocacy tools, and support for families raising children with complex needs, follow Healing Complex Kids® on Facebook and Instagram.
Social Skills Aren't Something Kids Just 'Pick Up
You know the moment.
You’re sitting in an IEP meeting when someone says the words “social skills,” and your stomach drops. Or maybe you’re at a birthday party, and your child is standing at the edge of the room, unable to step in. Or they’re sitting in the car in the driveway, refusing to go inside.
If you’ve lived that, this is for you.
My husband, Dana, and I have sat in several hundred IEP meetings, and social skills came up in many of them. Much of what we learned, we learned the hard way. Here’s what we wish we’d known sooner.
Social Skills Aren't a Checkbox. They're a Foundation
When schools talk about social skills, it can feel like one more line on a document. But these skills, including sharing, listening, cooperating, reading a room, and asking for what you need, help shape whether our children make friends, hold a job someday, and build a life they love.
Researchers at Penn State and Duke followed children who, at age five, were better at sharing, listening, and cooperating. Those children were more likely to attend college and be employed full time by age 25.
That’s worth paying attention to. But here’s what I want you to hear clearly: That’s correlation, not destiny.
If your child isn’t there yet, it doesn’t mean they never will be. Children develop on their own timelines, socially, just like everything else. Late bloomers are real. The goal was never to arrive faster than the child next door. The goal is simply to keep moving forward.
Start With What's Already There
When families come to me feeling overwhelmed, I ask a question that changes the room:
“What positive social skills does your child already show?”
Do they notice when someone is sad and quietly sit beside them? Do they smile, greet people, or ask, “How are you?” Those count.
It’s easy to become so focused on “Will my child ever learn this?” that we forget to notice what they’ve already learned.
Start there.
The Playdate Trap
If you’ve been told to “set up a playdate” to help your child build social skills, you know it can feel like a minefield.
I remember when a beloved teacher suggested that we arrange a playdate for our child. She was kind, caring, and sincerely wanted to help. But I remember thinking, She has no idea what she’s asking.
We were already overwhelmed—running to doctors, managing appointments, and searching for answers. Now we were supposed to add arranging and managing a playdate to our overflowing list.
More importantly, our child didn’t yet have the skills needed for the playdate to be successful.
Here’s what we learned: A child often needs social skills before the playdate, not simply as a result of it. One playdate that ends badly or never leads to another invitation isn’t a plan.
We could value this teacher and appreciate how much she cared while also recognizing that she didn’t have the tools our child needed. That’s when we learned to go higher—kindly and in writing—to the people who could provide the right support
Look Closely at the Goal
One of the most useful things we learned was how to tell a strong social skills goal from an empty one.
Here’s a goal that tells you almost nothing:
“Sarah will demonstrate appropriate social behavior with peers as measured by teacher observation.”
Appropriate to whom? How often? In what setting? Who’s watching, and what are they looking for?
There’s no baseline and no objective way to measure progress. Next year, someone may simply say, “She’s made progress,” and no one in the room will be able to prove or disprove it.
Now consider the same goal written more effectively:
“Given one verbal prompt during unstructured lunch and recess periods, Sarah will initiate a conversation with a peer using a greeting and one topic question in four out of five opportunities across three consecutive weeks, as measured by staff data collection sheets, by June 1.”
The difference is everything.
If a goal can’t be tallied and placed on a graph, it isn’t a measurable goal yet.
A Few Things We'd Tell Our Younger Selves
Don’t wait for the school.
“Let’s collect more data” can quietly turn into next year. You wouldn’t let a child continue falling behind in math while everyone waited, and social skills deserve the same attention. Time doesn’t stand still for your child.
Ask your doctor, and ask locally.
Turn to your pediatrician for testing and answers, not a Facebook group. Ask people in your community to help you find the right specialist. Bring real examples, notes, emails from school, and even a short video, because children are often perfect angels during a 15 minute appointment.
Find the person who can help.
Not every family can drive an hour or more several days a week, and we understand that. But if the right specialist is farther away, consider making the trip at least once to get your child in front of someone who has experience with challenges like your child’s. That first visit may provide answers, recommendations, or a plan that can be carried out closer to home.
When one of our children tested well below grade level in reading in 10th grade, the right help was up to three hours round trip from our home. I made that drive four days a week. We started in September, and by January, our child was reading at grade level.
We don’t share this story to suggest that every family must do the same. We share it to encourage you to get your child in front of someone who may recognize what others have missed and can help you determine what to do next.
If Your Child Has No Friends Right Now
Please hear this: Being alone doesn’t always mean being lonely.
Start with one. One friend can matter more than a crowd.
If your child wants a friend but doesn’t have one, think about how you can bring just one person into their circle, and involve the school in helping make that connection.
Look for clubs or activities built around something your child loves. That’s often where meaningful connections begin, because children have an opportunity to find their people.
Begin From a Place of Strength
Social skills can be taught gently, patiently, and on your child’s timeline.
Notice what your child already does well. Ask for goals that can be measured. Don’t wait when your instincts tell you something needs to change. Keep a record of what you requested and what the school agreed to, so you have a clear paper trail.
You’re an important part of your child’s team. If something doesn’t look right, ask questions. Speaking up early may prevent a much larger problem later.
Progress may be slow, but every step forward matters.
There is help. There is support. And there is hope.
For more practical information, advocacy tools, and support for families raising children with complex needs, follow Healing Complex Kids® on Facebook and Instagram.
Julie Cadman